Women in India

I promised a quick note on the lives of women in India: (for a really good book on the subject, check out Elisabeth Bumiller's "May you be the mother of a hundred sons" - thanks Leora and David!!)

One of the biggest differences for me is seeing the culture of women and family. Family is very strong in India, with all generations usually living together under one roof. There is a strong sense of love and respect for each other, especially for one's seniors. In this system, women are the caregivers/protectors/workers inside the family, and usually give up their previous lives to devote themselves to this task. It's the custom for brides to leave their parents and go live with their husband and his family, and care for these inlaws. At the same time, they usually bring a substantial dowry (illegal now, but pervasive in most castes and classes). Many to most women don't have a career outside the house. But at the same time, they don't always get respect for the work they do. When I asked men at the hospital what their wives did, many said "Oh, she's JUST a housewife."

My main impression about women here is that a girl's major goal in life is to find a good husband. It's not to say this isn't at all true in Canada. If I had to choose between either a career or kids, I'd probably choose family (although I'm not broadcasting this to med school interviewers!). But in Canada it's not unusual, and I'd say it's even the norm, for a woman to work out a career and then find a husband/partner (or at least co-plan the two). In India, the single greatest blessing you can give a girl is, "May you find a good husband." Nothing about a job or education or happiness in what they do.

Now, a bit about how you find this perfect husband. Most marriages are still arranged. This means your parents discreetly advertise around to find you a suitable match, and then you meet the guy and say yes or no. Sometimes you only meet a couple times, in a public setting! According to the book I read, and from what I've seen, marital 'love' in India means just that - love due to marriage. If your husband takes good care of you and does his duty, it is your duty in return to love him, which you generally end up doing (and feeling). Granted, many more marriages now are "love marriages". Many of the young nurses at the hospital have boyfriends, which is looked down upon unless you end up marrying them. So when I asked one girl what was going to happen in her situation, she casually replied, "Oh, I'll have an arranged marriage. With my boyfriend." But many still opt for the unknown groom and develop love later. Many Indians think of Westerners as morally inferior with our high divorce rate, which they take as a sign of fickle love, or lust run its course. But I've seen the other side of Indian marital love too, in the women abused or neglected by their husbands or inlaws, who now live at the NGO's shelter. I can only imagine how many others there are, who are unhappy but never leave.

Basically, I don't think either system is perfect. I just feel really, really lucky to live in a culture where I get to choose completely freely who I love, and even more lucky to have found that person. (awww.) (This is my ONLY detour into sappy-ness, I promise.)